One day Eugene was feelin’ depressed at the pencil hut and he felt like he was sayin’ crazy bad things because he was goin’ nuts, so Earl gave him this nugget o’ advice about pencil pushers:
Well listen. Them pusher’s already know you a crazy sombitch right? So, if yer lips are a flappin’ and flappin’ and you sayin’ crazy bad things it really ain’t gonna be a surprise. If you real worried ‘bout it though, just make it a song. Say whutever yer flappin’ bad about in a song and dance. That’ll make it less harsh on their vealy ears.
So Eugene thought to himself, well Earl is right, and here is why. Uncle Hector Bilfier the Third, had a veal makin farm …and he usta sing to them sombitches to calm them down in thurr cages. Poor sombitches. Will never know life outside a cage. Nah, Hector was pappy Elmer Gizzer’s brother. And Elmer was the bestest vermin hunter that ever live. One day Elmer wuz drunk on 2 jugs a moonshine an he wint on a shootin spree on the veal makin farm. Said they were vermin pencil pushers in disguise and smelled rotten meat. Shot em all. Put em outta thurr misery he said. Nah thats whurr Eugene git his vermin huntin skills. And thats whurr Buddy git his middle name – Buddy Bilfier the fourth. Why, sometime whin Lucinda mad at Buddy, she scream “OOOHHHHHH BUDDY BILLLLFFIIIIERRRRR THE FOURTH! YOU GIT YER KEESTER HERE NAH!!!!!!! And it make Eugene chuckle till his belly hurt.
Then there wuz a third brother, Oneil “Bruiser,” and he wuz a barn builder. Good thing, cuz he built a whole new barn fer Hector’s new farm. Nah Earl, thats whurr he git his barn buildin skills, and his fightin skills. “Bruiser” was the scurriest sombitch in town. Why, he wind up one punch it’ll turn them lights in yer brain right OFF.
Why, Hector Bilfer had to sell the farm and by a herd a cow fer milk n cheese makin, it made him sad. And thats how we git so fat …from eatin cheese from that sombitches farm. Why, thats how come Abby’s pie’s are so good. She use that milk straight from Hector’s farm. I thinks Abby shud sell her pies so Earl can quit pencil pushin and build some barns. This make Eugene real sad.
What Can Ye Learn Frum a Redneck? 
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